Sometimes you want to use the internet to ask old friends that have become just Facebook friends if they'll ever hang out with you again, but you don't because they'll say that they will but they won't.

If everybody had an empty body, the world would still be a basketball that the Harlem Globetrotters play with.

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
2. Clean baking pan (13x9).
3. Pour 4 liters of Diet Mountain Dew into baking pan, making sure it is distributed evenly throughout.
4. Drink Diet Mountain Dew from corner of baking pan, gradually tilting opposite corner higher until all the liquid is gone.
5. Turn off oven.

If I could be Mountain Dew for a living, I would be Mountain Dew for a living.

He squinted his eyes and walked home at two in the afternoon when a lady asked him where a bike shop was.  He told her where one was and then saw a patch of flowers in a square of dirt inside a bunch of squares of concrete.  "Buttercup" was the term that popped up in his mind when he saw them, but he wasn't sure if that was a real name of a flower, so he Googled it later (it is a type of flower, and it is the type of flower that he saw). 

that shit feels sexy as fuck.

My new job is kind of like when I was in 7th grade and I really wanted a Fender Stratocaster, but could only play power chords.