DMD 20/20

vampires are a really great thing.  theyre made for metaphor.

he's kind of cool.

http://www.jimseven.com/2012/02/23/exactly-too-big-enough/

a vacuum of the guts looms like some beastly creature made of fire and shadows. it's also much bigger than you.

gas pops inside your butthole and the shit is on its way out but its not quite there and more bubbles pop and then you burp and push kind of hard until you realize the poop won't come out for another 4 minutes, so you sit and think about trying to write something eloquent but your first words are "gas pops" and you know you need to write "butthole" soon (because it's a better word than "asshole").  you hope to forget and it will leave your body and leave no stain.  like a boyscout in the woods.

being sick: a diet mountain dew and cabernet spritzer at 2am.

My farts smell like the zoo.

When sick,

Go to the mid-level, organicish grocery store.  Buy orange juice, twelve Diet Mountain Dews, and a bottle of kombucha.  Browse the medicine aisle to find something that coincides with the vague feelings of poor health.  Symptoms like "weird headclamp.ache" and "the back of my throat felt weird when I woke up, and all day its hurt some of the times that I've swallowed, but now it feels fine" and "kinda runny nose."  Pick up three or four boxes and bottles and think about how you've heard you can use them to make drugs.  Alternatively, think about how you have used them as drugs.  Grab a carton of eggs and a loaf of bread that is inexpensive and healthy sounding.  Buzzwords like "whole grain" or "7 oats" really seal the deal.  Look at vitamins that would prevent mild, cloudy sickness in the future, but don't look too hard.  Think, "Fuck, I forgot to start a torrent download of Die Hard: With a Vengeance before I left." Be upset about it, because you totally wanted to lay on the couch and watch it when you got home from the grocery store.

Sometimes you want to use the internet to ask old friends that have become just Facebook friends if they'll ever hang out with you again, but you don't because they'll say that they will but they won't.

If everybody had an empty body, the world would still be a basketball that the Harlem Globetrotters play with.

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
2. Clean baking pan (13x9).
3. Pour 4 liters of Diet Mountain Dew into baking pan, making sure it is distributed evenly throughout.
4. Drink Diet Mountain Dew from corner of baking pan, gradually tilting opposite corner higher until all the liquid is gone.
5. Turn off oven.

If I could be Mountain Dew for a living, I would be Mountain Dew for a living.

He squinted his eyes and walked home at two in the afternoon when a lady asked him where a bike shop was.  He told her where one was and then saw a patch of flowers in a square of dirt inside a bunch of squares of concrete.  "Buttercup" was the term that popped up in his mind when he saw them, but he wasn't sure if that was a real name of a flower, so he Googled it later (it is a type of flower, and it is the type of flower that he saw). 

that shit feels sexy as fuck.

My new job is kind of like when I was in 7th grade and I really wanted a Fender Stratocaster, but could only play power chords.