I have a funny story/essay! Tell me what you think so far, as I'm thinking of figuring out where to go and what to improve.
I was thinking about my life today. So I come home from school after my last day of college. I'm absolutely depressed because I have to live in my mother's basement and also because I have to work, as opposed to sleeping and drinking, which I'm more genetically suited for. My confidence in my abilities is at an all time low because I couldn't find a job that utilized these genetic gifts, and because I nearly got fired by my own father for using them on the job and for being generally dumb.
To compound the blow to my self-esteem, a girl who I had feelings for (that were reciprocated, heavily) tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and that I should go be with her. We see each other, and the following week, on account of my own decreased confidence and whatever other reason, she tells me she doesn't want to see me anymore. God? Please stack some sexual frustration and emasculation onto my slim self-esteem sandwich. It tastes too good right now.
So the next day, I'm in the shower, bathing in my own filth, trying desperately to drown myself by holding my throat open while lying on my back, when I figure, "I just need a change! I really need to change myself!" So I do. I think for a few days and then make the following two decisions:
1. Join a boxing gym. 2. Start playing dungeons and dragons.
Let me explain how these two decisions were the dumbest ideas of self-reinvention I've ever thought of or heard of. First, I join a boxing gym. In this gym, I surround myself with sweaty men who are larger than me, and beg them to try punch me in the head as many times as they can. There are no women there, and I'm already complaining about being dumb and not being attractive to women, and I decide that surrounding myself with men and getting beaten in the face is the most curative decision to make in that regard.
Secondly, I start playing Dungeons and Dragons. And not just hanging around a table D&D, I'm talking over the internet, headphone and microphone D&D - The kind where everyone can play in their underwear, shitting themselves and smothering fried chicken in their faces while they scream "Natural 20" over a grease stained microphone. Rather than going out and meeting people, I resign myself to hanging in my basement making dick jokes about elves and kobolds on my computer.
i like this and where it's going, a few things: lose the first sentence. it's pretty clear you're thinking about your life today.
the lighthearted nature and style is wonderful, just make sure you don't take it too far with the use of unnatural self-conversational phrases and interjections. like the "God?" doesn't seem to fit. maybe put a comma instead of a question mark?
Also, maybe vary the sentence structure a little. it seems like a lot of them start with "I did this" or "I'm feeling that." besides that, i think it's turning out to be pretty adorably self-depricating.
2 more things, 1. Mikey has hired me to write a GTA fan fic short story for $20. It's more difficult than I thought. 2. Are you actually going to play D&D? If so, I'd like to try it and join you and yell dirty words at people when I move back home. <3
Haha, I actually play already. When you move home, we should definitely play. We play once a week, and have played for about 4 weeks. The guys we play with (Sidd and Denny are the two you would know) are pretty lax about it, so we're not strict on roleplaying or anything. We still do sometimes, but it's usually not serious, like when Sidd's character chugs a beer and quotes Wu Tang while robbing people or when my character headbutts through a man's chest and bites his buttcheeks for extra damage. It's also funny when you can hear either Sidd or Denny clearing bong hits over the microphones they forgot to mute. My character is a Human bard, who is hideously overweight, and grew up in a family circus of halfling strong-men. Being gay, he was always tormented by his hyper-masculine adoptive family. As a result, he acts hyper-masculine to cover up his insecurities. The last straw in leaving the family is when he realized that fashionable clothes were worn and fell best on tall skinny people, not buff little halflings.
So I just got a virus from some porn site, and I had to format my hard drive, and this album is the only thing on my computer
ReplyDeletea dead tree in a desert
by the way, the captcha word I had to type in to validate this post was phallis
thought you should know
that makes me smile. the phallis part.
ReplyDeleteThis album is rad
ReplyDeleteDear Scott,
ReplyDeleteI have a funny story/essay! Tell me what you think so far, as I'm thinking of figuring out where to go and what to improve.
I was thinking about my life today. So I come home from school after my last day of college. I'm absolutely depressed because I have to live in my mother's basement and also because I have to work, as opposed to sleeping and drinking, which I'm more genetically suited for. My confidence in my abilities is at an all time low because I couldn't find a job that utilized these genetic gifts, and because I nearly got fired by my own father for using them on the job and for being generally dumb.
To compound the blow to my self-esteem, a girl who I had feelings for (that were reciprocated, heavily) tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and that I should go be with her. We see each other, and the following week, on account of my own decreased confidence and whatever other reason, she tells me she doesn't want to see me anymore. God? Please stack some sexual frustration and emasculation onto my slim self-esteem sandwich. It tastes too good right now.
So the next day, I'm in the shower, bathing in my own filth, trying desperately to drown myself by holding my throat open while lying on my back, when I figure, "I just need a change! I really need to change myself!" So I do. I think for a few days and then make the following two decisions:
1. Join a boxing gym.
2. Start playing dungeons and dragons.
Let me explain how these two decisions were the dumbest ideas of self-reinvention I've ever thought of or heard of.
First, I join a boxing gym. In this gym, I surround myself with sweaty men who are larger than me, and beg them to try punch me in the head as many times as they can. There are no women there, and I'm already complaining about being dumb and not being attractive to women, and I decide that surrounding myself with men and getting beaten in the face is the most curative decision to make in that regard.
Secondly, I start playing Dungeons and Dragons. And not just hanging around a table D&D, I'm talking over the internet, headphone and microphone D&D - The kind where everyone can play in their underwear, shitting themselves and smothering fried chicken in their faces while they scream "Natural 20" over a grease stained microphone. Rather than going out and meeting people, I resign myself to hanging in my basement making dick jokes about elves and kobolds on my computer.
-more to come after I write more.
i like this and where it's going, a few things:
ReplyDeletelose the first sentence. it's pretty clear you're thinking about your life today.
the lighthearted nature and style is wonderful, just make sure you don't take it too far with the use of unnatural self-conversational phrases and interjections. like the "God?" doesn't seem to fit. maybe put a comma instead of a question mark?
Also, maybe vary the sentence structure a little. it seems like a lot of them start with "I did this" or "I'm feeling that."
besides that, i think it's turning out to be pretty adorably self-depricating.
2 more things,
1. Mikey has hired me to write a GTA fan fic short story for $20. It's more difficult than I thought.
2. Are you actually going to play D&D? If so, I'd like to try it and join you and yell dirty words at people when I move back home. <3
Haha, I actually play already. When you move home, we should definitely play. We play once a week, and have played for about 4 weeks. The guys we play with (Sidd and Denny are the two you would know) are pretty lax about it, so we're not strict on roleplaying or anything. We still do sometimes, but it's usually not serious, like when Sidd's character chugs a beer and quotes Wu Tang while robbing people or when my character headbutts through a man's chest and bites his buttcheeks for extra damage. It's also funny when you can hear either Sidd or Denny clearing bong hits over the microphones they forgot to mute.
ReplyDeleteMy character is a Human bard, who is hideously overweight, and grew up in a family circus of halfling strong-men. Being gay, he was always tormented by his hyper-masculine adoptive family. As a result, he acts hyper-masculine to cover up his insecurities. The last straw in leaving the family is when he realized that fashionable clothes were worn and fell best on tall skinny people, not buff little halflings.
when I was young I used to play D & D and it was fuckin great.
ReplyDelete