last night at work, this depressing regular came in like he normally does. you know, he loves sports but has no one to talk to, so he wrangles in the staff for minute or two conversations about inane shit that no one really cares about. he's about 35 or 40 with long grey hair and a stupid hat and a big beer gut and he orders some wings or a whole pizza for himself and just sits. waiting for someone to walk into his conversational radius so he can rope them in.
yesterday the dude walked in and told us that his best friend had died that morning, and i was frustrated that i had to feign some kind of remorse or sympathy.
at work today. i walked a delivery down the block and remembered fucking with my keys because they were clankin around on my keychain. when i got back to work, realizing i lost them, i retraced my steps and found nothing. these keys were kind of important, because i was working as a delivery driver and was rendered pretty impotent without them. i called tim, woke him up from sleeping at amber's and had him drive to our house to look for our spare. my room is a mess, and he couldn't find it. he drove to work, picked me up, drove me back and we both looked for about 15 minutes. got flustered as heck, finally found the key, he drove me back. got in my car to go home after an hour or so of frantic searching.
This week my drug of choice is productivity. So far it's provided me with the same highs and lows as any other psychotropic drug except i have something to show for my time spent in the end, even if it is bureaucratic nonsense. Right now i'm tripping balls on college applications, acquiring references, and a little non-nonsense of figuring out and putting together bday presents for a couple people who are dear to me. the best part is that i'll smoke a blunt after and still remember it all in the morning.
so i bought this new computer two weeks ago and then got a check from my dad as a graduation gift. it so happened that i originally had just enough money to buy the computer i bought, but it was kind of a shitty laptop you'd buy for someone that only wants to surf the world wide web and maybe type a word doc or two. i felt rich for a week with the excess cash and thought about blowing it all on maker's shots for myself and my friends at bars for the next month, but today decided on an impulse to just buy a nicer computer. i returned the old one on the last possible day (according to my receipt) and spent an extra few hundred dollars on something i'm actually proud to call my computer.
the factor that fucked with me the most at the end was "Am i really willing to give up the 5 or 6 hours i've spent on icewind dale 2 in order to own a computer that is more than a word processor?"
I eventually went with yes, and as soon as i reinstalled the game, i regretted my decision.
but really, i'm happy to have another new computer.
so as i've probably compained to you about, my computer and external hd crashed within the same few days. i am left with a clean slate and a lot of my own blank stares. i am a spectrum of fairly to severely upset about the loss of pictures, writings, and music that i've taken, written, and sang, respectively. speaking of, if anyone has any bridges burning or scalping project they would like to send to me, i would greatly appreciate it. maybe i'll just make a facebook post about it now and will probably get a much faster response.
however, the rest of the music i lost is not such a bother. in fact, the laborious task of reconstructing a music library based on what i enjoy now, rather than what i've enjoyed over the past eight years is kind of exciting. i think it will be a good thing to get the long musical loves back, but also start an almost entirely new library of music i enjoy here, today.
tripping kids with lots of drugs reminds me of older times, and being objectively on the outside of it all is kind of fun. they watched predator while listening to ridiculous noise music and now i think they're going to go see 2012 and sneak nitrous into the movie theater. complete and utter good spirited recklessness. it's kind of beautiful.
and it looks like our stoner metal band, skull, might actually happen.
work went by quickly tonight, and i kind of enjoyed it.
then we cracked out the vaporizer and i remembered how much i enjoyed that wild thing.
and then we made a playlist full of the indie rock music we listened to in high school when we felt we felt like punk rock wasn't cool anymore. and then we listened to punk rock music we used to think was really cool.
i still think punk rock is really cool.
and i'm glad this playlist is going to be on until i fall asleep.
after years and years of political arguments with conservative assholes, i'm finding myself picking fights with leftists these days. when people bicker over the ill-informed subtleties of the power of one's dollar or the motivations and complexities behind humans holding a political office, the holes and the flaws within these arguments start shouting out and the self-righteous attitudes begin looking so much uglier. and it's not necessarily the self-righteousness. sometimes it's just the fact that it makes people feel better about themselves for doing things like giving up meat or buying shit from a smaller independent store or trying to ride their bike more or reading a noam chomsky book or turning off the lights when they leave a room. maybe it's the post-capitalist nihilist in me, but i think these forms of self-absorbed philanthropy are on par with spending an hour in front of the mirror before going out for the night or having a kid to fill empty holes in hearts or drinking yourself stupid or showing off new things to people who don't give two shits.
i think i'm just having a hard time finding the beauty in humanity when all i can see is subconscious ulterior motivations and inherent selfishness in every move made.
i don't write anymore and i don't know if i want to.
also, i've been putting of peeing lately. i just never feel like i want to get up and pee, so i don't. then three hours later, i have to pee real bad, so i finally do. i hear that's unhealthy, but i'm ok with it.
i just wrote a whole song in about an hour and felt really good about it all. the lyrics and melody seem to work together and it's about something i've been attempting to put into words since high school.
i recorded a rough copy of it and after listening to it, i realized i just wrote Gardenhead/Leave Me Alone by jeff mangum. goddamnit.