Thursday, April 5, 2012

When sick,

Go to the mid-level, organicish grocery store.  Buy orange juice, twelve Diet Mountain Dews, and a bottle of kombucha.  Browse the medicine aisle to find something that coincides with the vague feelings of poor health.  Symptoms like "weird headclamp.ache" and "the back of my throat felt weird when I woke up, and all day its hurt some of the times that I've swallowed, but now it feels fine" and "kinda runny nose."  Pick up three or four boxes and bottles and think about how you've heard you can use them to make drugs.  Alternatively, think about how you have used them as drugs.  Grab a carton of eggs and a loaf of bread that is inexpensive and healthy sounding.  Buzzwords like "whole grain" or "7 oats" really seal the deal.  Look at vitamins that would prevent mild, cloudy sickness in the future, but don't look too hard.  Think, "Fuck, I forgot to start a torrent download of Die Hard: With a Vengeance before I left." Be upset about it, because you totally wanted to lay on the couch and watch it when you got home from the grocery store.

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